The elusive third component

Because I am devoted to wellness, and this is comprised of not only fitness and nutrition but the state of our emotions as well - I feel that it is necessary for me to do all in my power to maintain a healthy state of mind.  After all, how can I presume to coach people around working through their anxieties, stress, and emotional baggage without doing the same for myself?

That said, it has been a while since I have felt a negative emotion that hasn't been shaken by endorphins.  Furthermore, it is even more disconcerting to me that walking into my classroom this morning didn't distract my mind from what currently plagues it.  Perhaps it would have been better if I actually had a lesson to teach this morning instead of the silence of students peer editing their rough drafts, but nonetheless, here I sit as hurt and ireful as I was when I fell asleep last night.

So what does one in my situation do?  Without disclosing anything too personal, I know that the reason I am pulling such a heavy weight is because this specific situation does not have a remedy - it leans on the actions of another, that which I cannot control - and those actions have not and will not change.  This person does not want to change and their inability to comprehend the impact is jarring.  My battles to be accommodating are catching up to me.  I am buckling in a way I never thought possible.

Deep down I know that I can't give up - it's just that at this point I'm not sure what it is that I'm battling through.  I've lost sight of the goal, if there's even one left at all.  At the very least, at the bottom of the barrel, I'll have to create a new goal - something else to work toward - something clearly defined, tangible, foreseeable.  Nobody can form a path without an end in sight.  I know in spin class when the climbs are nearly impossible and my quads and hips scream for me to sit my ass down, I envision something at the top of that imaginary hill - and I keep moving.  On the verge of what some days feels like a miracle, my legs just keep powering through those cycles because I want to get to that image, that future, so badly.

I want to know where we're going, where I want to be.  I know you're not going to tell me where you want to be, because you never know and I'm tired of asking - literally, I'm emotionally exhausted - spent.  So for the first time in well over a year, it can no longer be about you anymore.  I have to take the advice that my graduate directer gave me (of which I had no idea what to do with until now) and that is - be more selfish.  Yes, I need to feel what I felt last night and what I still feel this morning.  I need to acknowledge the pain, the frustration, and the disappointment.  We're human.  We cry, our bodies react to our minds, at times we lose control - and it's ok.  The affectual attunement consumed me last night and I passed out floating on a wave of tears.  This morning I woke with the lingering taste of vomit and a faint abdominal pain from retching.

What is more important, though, is what did not happen this morning.  I did not crawl back into bed.  I brushed my teeth, I ate breakfast and I went to the gym just like I do every morning.  The only difference is that this time it was with a heavier heart than ever before.  But I still made it.  And I'll continue to.  I'll find the new path - I'm just not sure I'll see you there.  I hope to - but that's not up to me and I'm afraid you'll never be able to decide.