I used to really enjoy buying things. I can't quite remember why - but I'm pretty sure in retrospect, it had something to do with compensation. For many years, I lacked any sense of fulfillment in life. I had a direction - that was easy enough. Get up, go to work, go to school, do well at both - check, check, check. On the outside and from a distance, I looked like a happy, successful young woman on her way to a career and a pleasurable little spot in the capitalist dream. On the inside...
*crickets*
Yeah, therein lies the problem. Inside? That door was stuck shut for years and I'm pretty sure I just lacked any desire to wrestle with it. I was too busy - too preoccupied with my laundry list of things to hate, rally against, disarm, etc. I was overly-concerned with this image that people had helped me build over the years - that I was this angry person with an agenda to tear everything and everyone apart. For that reason, not many people dared come too close. It was lonely. I got used to it.
And then fate happened. Chance happened. Maybe none of that really happened - maybe I had just finally had enough. I needed change - I craved it. I began to feel empty, listless, lifeless and bored. I wasn't bored in the sense that I had nothing to do, but in the sense that I was tired of myself. The image was old and warn out.
I made several changes. I changed jobs, I changed habits, and I started to chip away ever-so-slightly at the bitter facade that was my face, my voice and complete embodiment for years. For... my entire life.
I somehow found myself in the company of people who liked to smile, and did so often. People who didn't care for drama and cared even less for those who thrive on it. I found an avenue for my honesty and a team of friends willing to support the way I operate, quirks and all. I was completely immersed in unbridled love and affection without hesitation. It was so odd at first - someone who wasn't afraid to hold my hand when I was afraid or simply to assure me that I wasn't alone even in a good moment. Almost out of nowhere, a person came into my life who, without words, said "It's alright to feel loved on all levels - and it's alright to show it."
This person's actions spoke with such force that my ears ring to this day, "I can tell you I love you, because I do - and there's no pressure in that - and there's no expectation in that - and you may take it this way or that way, but you can't change love - you can't change the fact that I want you here, that you're special to me and that no matter what you want to believe - you need me, too. We're friends - and we traversed the blurred lines and made sense of it all because when all is said and done - we're visionaries because we have each other - because we gave each other hope when we didn't even know that's what we needed. And we never lied, and we always felt and gave and continue to give. There we were, and here we are - and through it all, you make me better."
And this unspoken discourse made the soundtrack to the world change from an angry guitar riff to a pleasant piano tune. Because I have so much more in my heart, I find myself wanting for less. So many people (including myself in the past) have said that love is a complex emotion. I don't know if I agree with that much anymore. To me, love is simple - and there is beauty in simplicity. Yes, love can lead us to face tough decisions and cause us to make choices that might not be the best course of action to a logical individual - but we cause those problems when we mix logic with love instead of following love TO logic. You shouldn't have to break love down, dissect it, turn it into a science - because when it is true, it transcends every part of your life, every fiber of your being. Even when you're not sure what to do with love, when it's real you will always find beauty somewhere and it will regenerate. Love gives you a lens.
There are so many aspects of growing that scare the shit out of me. For so long I wanted to be on the true path to my career - and now that I'm ready to embark, I feel like turning around and making a break in the opposite direction. Sometimes I feel like going out on my own, and in the very next moment I am completely comfortable staying put. I am confused about where I'm going and not entirely convinced that I can even make it there - but when I'm around you, it doesn't take long for doubt to subside. And it's nothing that you've done directly or on purpose - it's just your love of life, your faith in goodness and your appreciation of beauty. Our laughter - our moments - our story - our point A's and point B's and everything in-between. Your life and my life and the point at which they fit. What we've learned, how we've grown, and all the ways we managed to take difference and enrich each others lives with it.
I've never had a more positive force in my life. I've never had a better friend - I can say that with the utmost certainty. If you have a best friend, tell them you love them. I urge all of you - if there is someone in your life who has made an impact, let them know. Trust me that one day that love will save your life.
While listening to my Ben Folds Pandora station this evening, I came upon this song:
This is the best version I could find - but if you pay for this song I promise you won't be disappointed. It is my new favorite song and I can't stop listening to it. Look up the lyrics. It's simple. It's beautiful. It's everything I thought I'd never be, but everything I'm so very happy that I've become.
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