It's spring? Today it was warm (Michigan warmth: 65 degrees) and I rode home with the windows down and reveled in the fact that my hair was a mess and I didn't give a shit. Which reminds me - I've been allowing myself to feel a lot of things, lately: confusion, love, loss, uncertainty - fuck. Sometimes all of them in one day and yes, I'm a little overwhelming on those days. Smiles one moment - your face - grumbles - smiles - oh no I'm really a grownup now - snarles - SHIT JUST HUG ME PLEASE BEFORE I EXPLODE.
Yes. I keep it together considering I seemed to have been carrying a sign around for months which read: "YOUR PERSONAL EMOTIONAL WASTE DUMP" I guess maybe I'm just a comforting individual? I mean, how can so much chaos breed clarity? They see it differently, I suppose. And man, let me tell you - some days are downright difficult. Not in the "oh, depression" sense but in the "I get lost in smells and within inches from you do they notice that I'm staring at the parts of your neck I used to like kissing?" Can I even say that? Yes, I can say whatever I want because I have a free pass to be "over it." And I can be on any given day but I'm allowed to take a trip down Memory Ln. every now and again - I've got a timeshare on that block, ya know.
Bicycle weather. My livelihood. I have made investment plans for the summer - new bike, cycling gear/shoes - longer distances (mentally and physically) - independence. I remember when I used to hang out with TONS of people ALL the time. I was never alone, and for that reason I never listened to myself (mentally or physically.) Now I invest in ME - and it's not that I like to be "alone" but I like to focus on my existence - can you make sense of that? I'm that person who prefers three or four CLOSE, AMAZING, DEEP friendships rather than having 98344 faces on a networking site and being able to identify %4 of them in public, maybe twice a year. Not knocking it - used to be that girl - just don't dig it anymore. I'm good with where I am (Well, I would like to be in a small apartment with nothing but a rice cooker, a tea kettle and a really nice commuter bike.) Holy shit, am I a hippy? Nah. Just... want to live simple, want to be simple. Want to live small, want to be small(ish?) Want to be calm, but still righteously indignant enough to write write write.
I like re-invention. I am inspired by change - evolution. I talk about it a lot and it probably annoys those close to me. The whole "Here I come, there I went." Let me show you what I can become - stick around - please hold - wait for the tone.
I'm a good student. I've resigned myself to the fact that this is who I am - I will have little time outside of teaching and writing and just 'becoming.' A professor - a contributor - a traveler - a lover. To find a lover who'll identify or coexist perfectly - love and respect each other's doings, creations, shortcomings. To come home to laughter and smiles always - he must be funny and not just any funny, but an absolute riot - and he has to know the right things to say and do to make me smile - and when I'm all "OH MY FUCKING GOD" he can say "I love you, imperfectly" and we can fall asleep to Elton John and talk about tomorrow or even today even though the past is tired. <-- The past, exhausting. But he'll say "Babe, your books are on the coffee table" when I'm in a rush and I'll smile in a rush but I'll take two minutes to scribble a note and leave it under his wiper blade. "I love how you always know what I need" We'll do the cute things, and that's how it'll stay fresh, true and simple.
Marriage, and kids - yes, awesome. When settled with a career and they'll grow up surrounded by books and culture and smiles and health - and they'll know the world. Yes. Awesome.
But it has to be absolutely perfect. To hold the same hand forever. See how academic writing wears me out?
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