Academic writing wears me out at times

I've been doing a lot of research, lately - some of it for my book and some for class.  Sometimes I feel an odd sense of detachment after a long bout with searching the internet over and over for snippets of news, recycled opinions and theorists that think-in-line.   I walk away from the computers and to the nearest window and I let my mind wander away from diligence - long enough to remember something beautiful - a touch, a hug, a joke.

It's spring?  Today it was warm (Michigan warmth: 65 degrees) and I rode home with the windows down and reveled in the fact that my hair was a mess and I didn't give a shit.  Which reminds me - I've been allowing myself to feel a lot of things, lately: confusion, love, loss, uncertainty - fuck.  Sometimes all of them in one day and yes, I'm a little overwhelming on those days.  Smiles one moment - your face - grumbles - smiles - oh no I'm really a grownup now - snarles - SHIT JUST HUG ME PLEASE BEFORE I EXPLODE.

Yes.  I keep it together considering I seemed to have been carrying a sign around for months which read: "YOUR PERSONAL EMOTIONAL WASTE DUMP"  I guess maybe I'm just a comforting individual?  I mean, how can so much chaos breed clarity?  They see it differently, I suppose.  And man, let me tell you - some days are downright difficult.  Not in the "oh, depression" sense but in the "I get lost in smells and within inches from you do they notice that I'm staring at the parts of your neck I used to like kissing?"  Can I even say that?  Yes, I can say whatever I want because I have a free pass to be "over it."  And I can be on any given day but I'm allowed to take a trip down Memory Ln. every now and again - I've got a timeshare on that block, ya know.

Bicycle weather.  My livelihood.  I have made investment plans for the summer - new bike, cycling gear/shoes - longer distances (mentally and physically) - independence.  I remember when I used to hang out with TONS of people ALL the time.  I was never alone, and for that reason I never listened to myself (mentally or physically.)  Now I invest in ME - and it's not that I like to be "alone" but I like to focus on my existence - can you make sense of that?  I'm that person who prefers three or four CLOSE, AMAZING, DEEP friendships rather than having 98344 faces on a networking site and being able to identify %4 of them in public, maybe twice a year.  Not knocking it - used to be that girl - just don't dig it anymore.  I'm good with where I am (Well, I would like to be in a small apartment with nothing but a rice cooker, a tea kettle and a really nice commuter bike.)   Holy shit, am I a hippy?  Nah.  Just... want to live simple, want to be simple.  Want to live small, want to be small(ish?)  Want to be calm, but still righteously indignant enough to write write write.  

I like re-invention.  I am inspired by change - evolution.  I talk about it a lot and it probably annoys those close to me.  The whole "Here I come, there I went."  Let me show you what I can become - stick around - please hold - wait for the tone.

I'm a good student.  I've resigned myself to the fact that this is who I am - I will have little time outside of teaching and writing and just 'becoming.'  A professor - a contributor - a traveler - a lover.  To find a lover who'll identify or coexist perfectly - love and respect each other's doings, creations, shortcomings.  To come home to laughter and smiles always - he must be funny and not just any funny, but an absolute riot - and he has to know the right things to say and do to make me smile - and when I'm all "OH MY FUCKING GOD" he can say "I love you, imperfectly" and we can fall asleep to Elton John and talk about tomorrow or even today even though the past is tired. <-- The past, exhausting.  But he'll say "Babe, your books are on the coffee table" when I'm in a rush and I'll smile in a rush but I'll take two minutes to scribble a note and leave it under his wiper blade.  "I love how you always know what I need"  We'll do the cute things, and that's how it'll stay fresh, true and simple.

Marriage, and kids - yes, awesome.  When settled with a career and they'll grow up surrounded by books and culture and smiles and health - and they'll know the world.  Yes.  Awesome.

But it has to be absolutely perfect.  To hold the same hand forever.  See how academic writing wears me out?

I'll delete this later

But for now, this is a reminder for me to write about what I just watched on Leno.

Jay Leno talking about how he doesn't understand Twitter and essentially how he doesn't understand why someone would type "LOL" when they could simply laugh out loud.

There are many things wrong with this attitude - and when I'm not so busy and preoccupied, I will list and expound upon them.

And you can fill in the blank

I should seriously change the name of this blog to "Welcome to my identity crisis" or something far more witty that I can't think of at the moment.

I've come to the conclusion that I need a change of scenery. Perhaps I just needed the change of seasons - even I will admit that this winter seemed to drag on far, far too long. Now the daylight will stick around longer and perhaps it'll spare some light to shed on the course of my life. That was about as poetic as I'm willing to get.

Point is: I'm not inspired. My home life is comfortable and functional but it bores me. I've fallen into so much routine that I can't structure my thoughts. I've been riddled with change in the last year of my life, but I find myself wanting more. I think "Ok, I've done this so why not try this, now?" I can't get enough - and now I'm restless. I can move the room around, throw clothes away, rearrange my shelves, start a new workout - but I know nothing will suffice until I find myself between different walls.

I want a roommate or two in a small apartment downtown. I want to bike around campus - live a life of strict minimalism - consume smart and small - invest in books and technology and spend my time snagging the campus wifi on the lawn, researching and chewing gum, listening to jazz through my earbuds, squinting in the sun, watching people pass by - never far from intellectual life and academic circles. I want immersion in what I love.

I don't know why I never felt this disconnect as an undergrad - I can hypothesize that it was because being an undergraduate student was itself a very distanced feeling insofar as being "finished" was something that either felt impossible or was just altogether too frightening to ponder. Graduating meant that you actually had to make decisions about your life that went beyond spring-break destinations and whether or not you wanted to take that extra class that would push you to 15 credits next semester - and most of the time, you just thought for whatever reason you'd never make it anyway.

But now it's almost as if you were absent for the whole process, and you woke up with the next five years of your life staring you in the face - you can't remember how you got there, and you're afraid to move just in case it pounces you and pins you down - and you don't wanna go out in your pjs.

I should probably just quit thinking so much. I should probably just live. I should remain fluid, in the moment, avoiding those foolish consistencies that my imaginary mentor so poignantly reminds me. But, I should still listen to my body and my subconscious - I should pay attention to the methods, the melodies and the environments that pull energy from every pore.

Pay attention to the affectual relationships you have. Heed them.

Keep changing. Evolve.

In which I digress about my best friend

I used to really enjoy buying things. I can't quite remember why - but I'm pretty sure in retrospect, it had something to do with compensation. For many years, I lacked any sense of fulfillment in life. I had a direction - that was easy enough. Get up, go to work, go to school, do well at both - check, check, check. On the outside and from a distance, I looked like a happy, successful young woman on her way to a career and a pleasurable little spot in the capitalist dream. On the inside...

*crickets*

Yeah, therein lies the problem. Inside? That door was stuck shut for years and I'm pretty sure I just lacked any desire to wrestle with it. I was too busy - too preoccupied with my laundry list of things to hate, rally against, disarm, etc. I was overly-concerned with this image that people had helped me build over the years - that I was this angry person with an agenda to tear everything and everyone apart. For that reason, not many people dared come too close. It was lonely. I got used to it.

And then fate happened. Chance happened. Maybe none of that really happened - maybe I had just finally had enough. I needed change - I craved it. I began to feel empty, listless, lifeless and bored. I wasn't bored in the sense that I had nothing to do, but in the sense that I was tired of myself. The image was old and warn out.

I made several changes. I changed jobs, I changed habits, and I started to chip away ever-so-slightly at the bitter facade that was my face, my voice and complete embodiment for years. For... my entire life.

I somehow found myself in the company of people who liked to smile, and did so often. People who didn't care for drama and cared even less for those who thrive on it. I found an avenue for my honesty and a team of friends willing to support the way I operate, quirks and all. I was completely immersed in unbridled love and affection without hesitation. It was so odd at first - someone who wasn't afraid to hold my hand when I was afraid or simply to assure me that I wasn't alone even in a good moment. Almost out of nowhere, a person came into my life who, without words, said "It's alright to feel loved on all levels - and it's alright to show it."

This person's actions spoke with such force that my ears ring to this day, "I can tell you I love you, because I do - and there's no pressure in that - and there's no expectation in that - and you may take it this way or that way, but you can't change love - you can't change the fact that I want you here, that you're special to me and that no matter what you want to believe - you need me, too. We're friends - and we traversed the blurred lines and made sense of it all because when all is said and done - we're visionaries because we have each other - because we gave each other hope when we didn't even know that's what we needed. And we never lied, and we always felt and gave and continue to give. There we were, and here we are - and through it all, you make me better."

And this unspoken discourse made the soundtrack to the world change from an angry guitar riff to a pleasant piano tune. Because I have so much more in my heart, I find myself wanting for less. So many people (including myself in the past) have said that love is a complex emotion. I don't know if I agree with that much anymore. To me, love is simple - and there is beauty in simplicity. Yes, love can lead us to face tough decisions and cause us to make choices that might not be the best course of action to a logical individual - but we cause those problems when we mix logic with love instead of following love TO logic. You shouldn't have to break love down, dissect it, turn it into a science - because when it is true, it transcends every part of your life, every fiber of your being. Even when you're not sure what to do with love, when it's real you will always find beauty somewhere and it will regenerate. Love gives you a lens.

There are so many aspects of growing that scare the shit out of me. For so long I wanted to be on the true path to my career - and now that I'm ready to embark, I feel like turning around and making a break in the opposite direction. Sometimes I feel like going out on my own, and in the very next moment I am completely comfortable staying put. I am confused about where I'm going and not entirely convinced that I can even make it there - but when I'm around you, it doesn't take long for doubt to subside. And it's nothing that you've done directly or on purpose - it's just your love of life, your faith in goodness and your appreciation of beauty. Our laughter - our moments - our story - our point A's and point B's and everything in-between. Your life and my life and the point at which they fit. What we've learned, how we've grown, and all the ways we managed to take difference and enrich each others lives with it.

I've never had a more positive force in my life. I've never had a better friend - I can say that with the utmost certainty. If you have a best friend, tell them you love them. I urge all of you - if there is someone in your life who has made an impact, let them know. Trust me that one day that love will save your life.

While listening to my Ben Folds Pandora station this evening, I came upon this song:



This is the best version I could find - but if you pay for this song I promise you won't be disappointed. It is my new favorite song and I can't stop listening to it. Look up the lyrics. It's simple. It's beautiful. It's everything I thought I'd never be, but everything I'm so very happy that I've become.

I don't know me at all?

I still have no idea who this new person is. I still raise an eyebrow in the mirror. I still pause momentarily after she smiles at strangers or takes extra time to listen. I still marvel at her patience and willingness to endure short-term pain for long-term happiness.

Who wouldn't have a bit of an identity crisis when so many things change at once?

I do not dare call it "hope," but there is a sense that if I just keep fighting the good fight, everything will come together - and it will feel right.