Despite all the shit I could be shuffling around muttering under my breath about, I can always manage to be thankful this time of year. The "holidays" are always my favorite time - and I'm a complete traditionalist when it comes to celebrating them. Yes, I am a secular-Christmas fanatic and I am damn proud of it. Give me all the Santa Claus, gift-giving, songs-about-a-baby-Jesus-I-don't-worship goodness you can muster! I'll belt out "O, Holy Night" with such a wide grin on my face you'd think I never missed a Sunday in the front pew.
But, why? Well it's simple, really. For every year of my life that I can recall, my Grandparents made the holidays some of the best moments I've ever had. I remember absolute unbridled joy - the food, the music, the laughter, the presents, the hugs and kisses, the stories, the Christmas movies on television - everything. My childhood holidays were right out of a Hallmark commercial, and all I've ever wanted to do was to give that happiness back to everyone in my life. The positive memories I have of the Christmas season are even a driving force behind wanting to start my own family when for many years I thought I was never the girl to get married and pop out kids.
*Finger to lips* Now, on to the reflection of the past year and the corresponding thank-yous:
1) As every year, my Grandmother sits at the top of the list. Every single accomplishment I can lay claim to is ultimately because she and my late Grandfather have given me the opportunities to go out and achieve them. From putting a roof over my crazy head for the last 10 years, to putting up with my wild adverse ideas, they always believed that I would go far and did everything in their power to assure I had the chance. And here I am, a college grad and heading for a PhD - tattooed, earlobes distended and loved for all of it - there is no greater gift in life.
2) I made it through undergrad! Ugh, there were so many moments when I thought I would crumble - when I wanted to give in. But I finished, and I even did well! I am thankful for all those that supported me within the English department at WSU - they saw something in me that I couldn't see in myself and at times still struggle to do so. But, here I am - 25 and on my way to graduate school. Wow.
3) Love. Not just from my family and friends - but romantic love, as well. Earlier in the year, I had to make a very difficult decision that I wasn't sure I could bounce back from too quickly. I forced myself to give up on and walk away from something that felt entirely right and completely comfortable. Because I have the gift of foresight (which I do not always heed, but is always with me) I was able to do the right thing for myself and my future - which was to look out for number one, even if she ends up alone. I taught myself that one could be fulfilled in the absence of a romantic relationship and I set out to do so. I began a quest to better my mental and physical health. Somewhere in the middle of all my dedicated alone-time, I started to spend some time with a person altogether new to me. It wasn't really his existence that was new to me, but rather who he is that was conceptually novel.
He's hilarious. He's kind. He's patient.
He's giving. He's thoughtful. He's intelligent.
He's well-rounded. He's humble. He's curious.
At first you're thinking: "Impossible." But I insist! I swear he exists.
And you narrow your eyes and exclaim "And this person wanted to spend time around YOU?" Yeah, I know. It shocked me, too.
But regardless of how implausible it all seems, this man came into my life and single-handedly placed a calm over my heart that I've never felt before. And of all the times I felt as if I had done something wrong in my life - being around him always made me feel as if I had finally done something right. He made me feel less selfish, and more open - but above all, there were times when he made me feel beautiful both inside and out - honestly, more than anyone in my life ever has. It's that cheesy poetic nonsense that makes everyone gag - but before you vomit all over your shoes or mine, allow me to coat the lining of your stomach.
He comes with his fair share of baggage - heavy enough to crush even the strongest of possibilities. I gave him all that I had and offered more, but all that I received in return was a luggage tag with someone elses name printed on it. The dust settled and collected, and now it's been swept under a rug very carefully woven. So you might be asking, "How are you thankful for that?"
Easy. Though the depth of my love is ultimately unrequited - and I am stuck with having opened myself to a world of pain - the whole experience has proven that I can still feel. It's like that scene in High Fidelity when Luara asks Rob to have sex with her after her father's funeral. She tells him that she needs to FEEL something, whether it be sex or sticking her hand in a fire. That's how I felt after my last bout with love and loss - and my experience with this man helped me to understand that I am not cold, and I am not hopeless.
I realized it when we'd look at each other and smile.
I realized it when he held my hand and I caught my breath.
I realized it when I would think about all the things I could do to make him smile.
I realized it when he played the songs he knew would make me happy.
And now it's back to emptiness, and now I've lost the hope. But somehow, some way, I'm still thankful for what all of it could've become. I'm thankful that the feelings of bitterness pass as quickly as they set in. I'm happy that I have my friends, my family, and the passion for my future career to occupy my heart and my mind, essentially allowing me to ease out of heartache and resentment.
I'm thankful for living my life with intellectual curiosity and passion - for always pursuing my goals even when it felt futile. I'm thankful that I am on the road to having my dream career and the ability to wake up every day and do what I love.
I'm thankful that at this time of year, I can smile knowing that someday I will make a great wife and a great mother - and one day I will be able to share my love of the holidays with my own family, generating the same peace and happiness that my Grandparents gave to me.
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