Sunday, January 3, 2010

Endurance: Episode II

The last time I wrote a blog in this space, I had survived yet another Michigan winter. I was drinking tea, and thinking about the "inevitability of things." I am here now in the midst of another winter, drinking tea, and thinking about... what inevitably happened from that day in April of last year to this moment.

Obviously I've struggled to blog for nearly a year. I'd love to lie and say that this hiatus was a personal choice, a voluntary one - but lies just aren't my style. What is more aligned with honesty is the fact that the past 9 or so months have been more incredible than I could have imagined and more difficult than I could have ever fathomed. Those are pretty much always a packaged deal, right? Let's review this, shall we?

In the past year, I have:

-Reached a goal of losing 50 lbs and became the healthiest and most thin I have been my entire adult life.
- I quit smoking. In February of this year, it will have been one entire year.
- I was accepted into a PhD program on a fellowship and am now living my dream of teaching English and working with adults who struggle with language and literacy. For so many years I have wanted nothing more than to help others become effective communicators and last year I realized the beginning of that goal.
- I fell in love with the man of my dreams and every day with him is better than the last.
- I met my real father and we're in the process of building what I hope to be a long, healthy father/daughter bond.

Also this year:

- My lifestyle change has alienated me. I don't enjoy the activities I used to and therefore, I lost friends - not out of any malice, but just... distance. At times, it hurts.
- I am in the process of realizing that I have deeply-rooted issues with my Mother. I've always known they were there somewhat, but I never faced them head-on. I'm trying to, but it's very painful and those emotions attempt to penetrate nearly everything I do. Every day I make a concerted effort to work through everything I've ignored and pushed down.
- My relationship with my Grandmother has been strained from all the other pressures that have virtually eliminated what little patience I had before. She's my best friend and I haven't kept my end of our friendship, but I'm working on it and I resolve to work even harder every day.
- I suffered an acute rupture of a disc in my lower back. This injury was more painful mentally than it was physically. The injury has kept me from running - my favorite activity. I'm working on training to get my lumbar region in shape so that the muscles in my back can sustain the impact of running again.

All the beauty and the achievements and the struggle and the pain have made it nearly impossible for me to gather it all into any coherent thought.

Most of the days my head would spin, my heart would race, my eyelids would tremble - but nothing came out any further than words from a very weakened state, vocalized to one person. Instead of finding the strength to sort it out and write it down - I leaned on the person I love most. But people tell you that leaning on someone isn't a bad thing - pop songs tell you that you should be able to do that - there's a lot of common knowledge that suggests your weaknesses can be absorbed by the strengths of others. While I don't necessarily disagree with that, I believe in approaching it with the same philosophy that I apply to other aspects of my life: everything in moderation. Unfortunately, I buckled, lost my grip and fell into excess.

What means more than this blog entry, than beginning this journey again, are those very words that have fallen on his ears so many long hours, long days, and sleepless nights. If you've ever read my journals before (in the past, or as recent as found here), you may have the ability to imagine what it might be like to deal with that level of intensity day in and day out. He not only dealt with it - but he pushed me to keep going, he supported me when I was confused, he accepted my tormented past and stuck by me as it clearly impacted our present - he's stronger than he gives himself credit for.

It's his brand of strength that I have always needed. My brand of strength - the kind that I grew up surviving on - is no longer necessary, it is no longer constructive and it is no longer functional. Yes, the old strength kept me going but I firmly believe it was meant to bring me to this transitional period in my life. I fought, and I made it - and now, it's time to let go a little, relax the tension and the constant need to battle. I used to say, "everyone has something to prove." I still believe that, but I no longer believe that you have to knock others down in order to gauge your worth. So, that said - here's to the new strength - and with it, a new motto:

"Feel the fear. Move through it. Do it anyway." - JM

I will move through my fears. I won't try to push as hard as I can on others to rise above those fears. I promise you.